Just when I thought it would be smooth sailing, the waters still seem turbulent.

This is the first post I’ve written in 2022. I’m back in Arkansas, full circle from the time I left last October. Since then, I traveled to Florida to say hello to friends, then North Carolina to say hello to family, then up to Connecticut to see my friend’s new music venue and bar, Sugar Hollow Tap Room, for the first time, which brought on a whole new group of friends and memories I will certainly not forget anytime soon.

For my Connecticut friends reading this, I miss you all.

There is one word I can think of to describe 2022 at this time – stagnant. I was working on getting a new job all the way up until New Years Eve, literally, and now I’m still waiting for them to make a decision and tell me something. I signed up for a contract job, that seemed a bit shady at times to be honest, and now it’s going to be a couple of weeks before that starts, if it starts. I was warned about times like these by my horoscope app. Everything just feels so uncertain, and it’s only January.

I’ve had recurring dreams where I feel completely lost. In these dreams, I know I have things to do and appointments to keep, but I have no idea where the appointments are or where I am supposed to be. I researched on the internet to understand what these dreams mean. Apparently dreams about being lost denote anxiety about future events. Because I currently have no job as I plan to move back into my house in a few months, I know I must have anxiety about not having an income as I plan to take my house over again and have to start paying the mortgage on my own after renting the place out for years. I go to sleep worrying about this predicament, dream about it, then wake up after living an anxiety nightmare.

According to what I’ve read online, the way to handle this scenario is to think hard about what’s got you worried and make a plan to remedy the situation. My plan has been to get a remote job, stay in Arkansas for at least a month while I get a feel for the job, pay a visit or two in Florida while I’m getting some renovations done on the house, then move back in and finally have my own roof over my head for the first time in years.

I just read my horoscope again as the clock turned midnight. My app shows my horoscope for the next day at that time. I seem to be a day fast with my readings for some reason. It’s telling me once again to be patient, and that the big picture is a bit much to understand what is right for me at the moment. I’ve always felt that there is a path for me, a spiritual path, and the more I try to understand this path, the more I seem to be thrown from it. It makes my think of the saying I first heard from a cousin of mine, “Man plans, God laughs.” 

Sometimes you really do have to just believe that what is meant to happen will happen, and it’s happening because it’s the best path for you. At the same time, as human beings we’re always taught to plan so that our future is bright. “Fail to plan and you plan to fail.” “A man without a plan is not a man.” The last quote was from Al Pacino in the movie Dick Tracy, who said that quote is from Nietzsche. I just checked that out to find out this quote is not at all a quote from Nietzsche, but just made up for the movie. Nevertheless, that’s still the way people think. Plan or you’re going to burn in hell.

So here I am, wanting to plan when it feels impossible. I feel like I’m being lazy, and at the same it’s more like I’m just burned out on nothing working, at least not the way I would like for it to work. Have no fear, I’m sure I’ll be uprooting my life once again in no time, just to see what I’m getting hit with next.

If there is lesson here, listen to your dreams, but don’t let them torment you.